| How to Cope With Being Hurt Online Oct 24th 2012, 08:00 A lot of the time the web community exists fairly harmoniously, but it's still a society like any other and attracts people of many different temperaments, including those who plan to just go and stir up trouble. Here are some ways to consider to improve your mental well-being to cope with these and to prevent problems. - Understand how hurtful issues can arise in the online environment. One of the challenges underlying web interactions is that we don't get to see the other person on most occasions, so we don't truly know who they are. This can give rise to a tendency to feel distant from the other person. Normally though, we rationalize that the other person has feelings and treat them with the appropriate respect. Unfortunately though, in some cases this distance and anonymity allows for dehumanization of the other person or desensitization from them. In such a case, the person hurling hurtful insults or comments has become immune to the usual restraints found in social situations and ceases to realize the full extent of the harmfulness of their barbs. An "anonymous attacker" who has lost this sense of social boundaries can seek to haunt people online in ways that feel invasive, corrosive and downright menacing.
- Acknowledge your feelings. The effects of being intimidated, insulted or harassed online can be as startling and unsettling as experiencing your home being burgled, being mugged or being constantly threatened––just because the person isn't in front of you or hasn't done physical damage doesn't make this any less real an experience. Don't feel tempted to put yourself down, assuming that you can't cope with it or that you're not a good person––while the other person might seek to make you feel this way, they are wrong and they are a source of harm.
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How it affects us varies from person to person, some shrug it off, but for some it can strike deeply. - Is the person behaving in a way that is aimed at intimidating you, displaying bully behaviour?
- Have you done anything to worsen the situation, such as treading on the toes of a sensitive person without realizing, or perhaps on purpose?
- Have you somehow breached community rules in relation to something that is normally done on the site and received a scolding? Was the scolding fair or did it go over-the-top into toxic retaliation?
- How do you feel about continuing to be a part of that site or community?
- Decide to avoid taking the incident personally as much as possible. In particular, avoid responding with equal force, especially if the other person is making it personal (in this case, keep reminding yourself that this is about their issues and worries, not about you).
- Keep in mind that the person issuing hurtful comments might be having a bad day or week, and is perhaps just venting a little steam and means no real harm. Is this person remorseful within a fairly quick space of time? If so, they may simply have gotten too worked up and now deserve a second chance.
- On the other hand, does this person continue to try and bait you (and perhaps others), always seeking to stick the boot in and try and trap you? A cyber-bully will find it difficult to stop and most likely won't show remorse or a desire to apologize.
- Consider the old adage: An eye for an eye and the whole world goes blind. Perhaps the world might already be blind, but no one has to stay that way. The best result is to simply ignore them, hard though that often is. Bullies often use keywords that give the biggest impact to hurt and/or provoke.
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By and large, the web is a surprisingly safe place, but it is still a reflection of the real world and real people, because it is a society of people still. Therefore, its wise to avoid the dark streets of the internet in known troubled places - Speak out, in order to help yourself and ultimately to help everyone. Try not to stay silent about the issue. The more you are silent, not only does it hurt more, but other web observers are unlikely to intervene if there does not appear to be a problem.
- It is best to report cases of bullying to an administrator if you feel that no one else was aware of this web activity as it may prevent others from being targeted, or if nothing is being done it may needed to be raised for further action.
- On many sites, interactions are viewed by administrators, moderators or other members. These people may be able to offer constructive advice or report the issue themselves if they feel someone has crossed the line. This is a great thing to encourage more of, as the more private a website tries to be, the greater the temptation for the cyber bully to treat the place as the equivalent of a dark alley.
- In some cases, administrators may act as an arbitrator or mediator for problem resolution and block a bully. Be aware though that blocking doesn't always stop the person, unless it is a members-only site or if the block is so long that the bully grows bored and finds other sites to hassle.
- If you know the person and feel certain that talking to them will fix the problem, you might feel okay to try doing so. However, don't put yourself in this position if it will only upset you even more. In some cases, talking to the person in real life can change their online attitude but this is clearly only possible where you know them in real life.
- Keep an eye out for people with a history of being aggressive or abusive and steer clear of them for your own protection. As noted earlier, given that cyberspace is an "impersonal" society where you can't always see the other person face to face, cyber bullies tend to take advantage of this. They feel safe enough to pick on people for no particular reason other than that they can, and in some contexts, they're far more likely to do this than they would ever dare do if they were seen face to face. Keep a fair distance from these characters so that your interaction with them is kept to a minimum and you don't add fuel to their fire-fanning. Remember that there is no shame in not responding to them––you do not have to acknowledge them or try to defend yourself. Ignoring them is often the absolute best policy.
- Let go of any feelings of anger, ongoing hurt or a lust for revenge. While it's understandable that you have such feelings initially as a result of your shock, fear or upset, allowing such feelings to consume you is toxic, and the longer you hold a grudge or bear resentment about the matter, the longer it'll take for you to heal. Being able to let go of these toxic emotions means that you can be less afraid of being hurt next time because you've learned how to cope better and how to ward off such nasty attacks (by treating them as impersonal and not being about your self worth). It may seem hard at first when you're shocked and hurt, but the main aim is to eventually learn to roll with the online punches and bounce back because while there remain people who feel that attacking others is of benefit to themselves, then this sort of hurtful behavior online will be inevitable on occasions.
- Learn to shrug off problem cases. Remember the imagery of water rolling off a duck's back whenever someone lets loose their vindictive barrage––those barbs are reflections of the other person's pain and poor comprehension, not arrows piercing your self worth.
- Don't bite. Many cyber bullies unleash their insults and just wait for the first person who takes the bait. Like a fisherman, they sit and wait and woe unto whoever bites. Learn from your experience and stop taking that bait. Remember that there is never any shame in walking away from such people and experiences, even though sometimes it won't be easy to do.
- Practice "Respect and Protect". Respect and protect yourself, as well as other members online. This includes respecting your input and theirs, and helping them to find ways to protect everyone's efforts in a constructive and supportive way. Respect makes a world of difference to any community and the more you demonstrate it and expect it from others, the more it becomes contagious. An online community that has respect as its bedrock will always return to that foundation when needing to get the upper hand over disruptive influences online.
- One good way of coping is to avoid getting too attached to any single site online. Forums, blogs and websites tend to be great meeting places, but the hurt can often be directly proportionate to how attached you are to a site, When the community's direction, the site's presentation or the content doesn't take the direction you think it should, this can increase your sense of hurt. By getting involved in numerous communities online, you can decrease your sense of attachment and find other places to hop to when things don't work out as you'd like on one particular site. In other words, don't place all of your eggs in one basket!
- To detach yourself from any site that you might be embedded in too deeply, try a web detox. Once a month, try a weekend that is completely internet free (or free from that particular site at first, then build up to being internet free for two whole days). Do this until you can find a balance that works kindly and fairly for you in both the day-to-day world and the cyber-world.
- If you feel that you can't break away, remind yourself that you're the master of your fate, and that no website should be given your authority to enslave you.
- Give yourself a goal to practice quality over quantity. Work out what will turn your time online into quality time. Also seek ways to help make online time quality time for others. The method of coping with hurt online is essentially to grow above the feeling, using the previous hurt as an experience on which you build a resilience in online interactions, through developing tools that enable you to recognise and avoid future problems. Online resilience should also be about no longer feeling that online interactions are poisoning or polluting your life––if they are, this will continue to make your experience unpleasant and will ultimate erode your confidence.
- Use the hurtful experience to your advantage. Treat it as something to learn from, as a way of giving you street signs or warning bells that let you sidestep future online intimidation or brawling. Seek to become more "street-smart" while travelling the alleyways and networks of the ever-expanding internet.
- Spend more time looking for bright sites, the sites where communities deliberately seek to maintain a caring and supportive environment and shun intimidating or trolling activities. Help make the sites you're a part of into such places by supporting other members and helping to create/support policies and guidelines that demonstrate how to behave considerately toward other online users. And spread the word about sites that care for community well being––the more such sites are known, the better!
Edit Warnings - If you feel you can't cope with a situation of online intimidation or you find you cannot overcome the hurt, don't deal with it alone. Talk to a friend, a parent, a spouse, a workmate, a teacher/lecturer, a counselor or anyone else you trust about your feelings. Realize that they may not understand the depth of what is happening if they don't spend a lot of time online but they will recognize distress when they see it and respond accordingly. Do not try to cope alone or you may find that your experience gets even more unreal and you lose all confidence and sense of hope. No bully is worth getting into this state.
- If you are physically threatened or if someone threatens to harm your property, pets, family, etc., contact the police immediately. This isn't time to be mucking around and giving this person the benefit of the doubt. They should realize that threats are treated with all due seriousness. Keep good records of all exchanges to back up your side of the story.
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