| How to End a Relationship Nov 10th 2012, 03:00 Being dumped is one of the most devastating things that happens in life. Before making a decision to end a relationship, you should always weigh the reasons for walking out. Once you are sure, though, it's important to remember that your soon-to-be ex was once your love. Although breaking this relationship off is certain to be painful, especially for the person being dumped, it's important to be respectful of the other person's feelings, and try hard to do as little damage as possible. - Be certain you want to end the relationship. Don't use the threat of leaving as a tool to get your own way in an argument. If you say it, be prepared to back it up with the action, or else take the threat off the table before you make it. Discuss problems openly and directly with your partner before you make up your mind. Many men and women suffer for years and never bring problems up with their partners. This isn't healthy. Feel free to seek couples counseling.
- Make your decision when feeling calm and rational. If you're angry enough to walk out of a heated discussion between both of you, this isn't the time to make a break. Instead, leave after saying, "I need to calm down. I'm going to go talk with someone for awhile. I will be back when I can be more reasonable." In other words, don't say, "I'm leaving," and walk out that minute without further explanation. Taking time out gives you the chance to recover from feeling angry and to get input from trusted friends and parents, people who will have their own insight into your relationship issues.
- Choose your time wisely. Choose a time and place that will allow for both you and the person that you're about to dump to allow for the time and privacy to do it properly. Don't break up with someone right before they have a big test or are about to go to work. Fridays are a suitable choice if it gives your soon-to-be-ex the weekend to recover somewhat. If you're in a hurry to leave the relationship (namely, you can't wait until Friday), tell your partner you need to take some time and you're going to stay with a friend for a night or two.
- Do it! Be firm in what you say––being wishy-washy in the vain hope you'll let the other person down "easy" will only cause more hurt. Hold strong, for you have already made your decision. This does not need to be a dramatic, escalating event. Get to the point and say that you don't want to be in the relationship anymore, that it isn't working for you. Avoid any comment that gives the impression this is a trial separation and that you might resume things after a break. This is it.
- Avoid making a long list of reasons as to why you're dumping him or her. Boil down your well-thought through reason to the essential problem: "We are not compatible enough in key areas," "I don't feel supported by you in my career path, and I don't want to change my path," "I want children and you don't," or other similar, specific details. Don't argue about it or try to prove yourself, just stand by your decision.
- Ending a relationship on the phone is acceptable and even recommended in some cases. If your ex is prone to outbursts, violence, or manipulative behaviors, this is much safer and prevents the dumpee from the embarrassment of having you watch his or her torment.
- Prepare for the worst. The dumpee will typically react with anger or with wonder, shock, panic. If she or he responds with anger, try to remain calm and attempt to calm him or her. If she or he begins raging, it is pointless to try to explain further––but don't just hang up or walk away. Instead, say, "It's not productive to just yell at one another. I've made my decision, and I won't change my mind, but I will talk with you if you can remain calmer. Take some time to settle down, and then call me - we can talk again then." If your ex does call, keep your word. Pick up the call. If there are questions, be honest and kind with your answers. Be prepared to answer their questions. Set up an exact time for you to discuss what went wrong, and do not cancel the meeting at the last moment.
- Keep your voice calm, even if the other person begins to yell. If it gets too out of control, just leave and let him or her cool down––but be sure you assure him or her that you will be willing to come back later, when she or he is calmer. Don't just say, "Oh forget it, I'm outta here."
- Comfort the person if he or she needs it, but don't take this too far. Voice your opinions if things are getting too uncomfortable or inappropriate. You don't want to be drawn down the same path that led you to this moment. Be compassionate, but be firm and cut the contact short if it seems to be escalating.
- If you're worried about leaving your ex alone, call a relative or friend of hers and let them know what has happened, explain where she or he is, and that you are concerned and know that it would help to have a friend/sister/etc., close by. Apologize for the pain the situation has caused and thank them for their help, then cut that off, too.
- Establish concrete boundaries for your future interaction. Once you have begun the process, be polite but firm about these boundaries, and make it clear that they are non-negotiable. It is permissible to cut him or her off without a chance to discuss what went wrong. Try to make the failed relationship as valuable as possible by turning it into a chance to learn and grow and as to what type of people to avoid.
- Know when to walk away. One of the biggest mistakes made in ending a relationship is allowing the final death throes to go on and on. And on. And on. And on. It's one thing to finalize shared expenses, disentangle community property, etc. It's another thing to beat a dead horse endlessly. When discussions become circular––in other words, you just travel around and around the same points without coming to a point of resolution––stop. That's the moment to say, "I think we should continue this later, or not", and leave.
- Don't try to remain friends. Trying to "be friends" can prolong the agony of a breakup. Most often, it is best to make a clean break and spend time apart. After a time, perhaps three months, perhaps a year or more, when you see one another, it won't hurt as much, and maybe then you can try to be friends with a clean slate. Even then, be sensitive and respectful about what your ex needs––she or may need more time than you. If that's the case, don't just foist yourself on the ex in an attempt to become friends some time later.
- If your ex asks "Can we still be friends?", say, "No, we can't still be friends. For now, though, I think it's best we just let things end." If pressed, say, "Look, we started out as friends and went past that. To be friends, we'd have to go back, and frankly, I don't want to go back. We need to go forward now. That means we need to put some space between our broken relationship and any new relationship we might form. Let's take a break, take some time, and give each other the space we need to heal and move on. At some later point, when we meet again, we might be able to put our anger aside and be friendly. Let's leave it at that." However, make this the last contact between you two. Make the break final with no further contact ever.
- If there are mutual friends that are shared by the both of you, inform them of the breakup and also inform them that you will not appear at any functions that your ex-lover will be present at and if that means they have to choose sides, so be it.
- For a less direct approach, distance yourself over time––try not to be as touchy-feely with your partner. This might send the message the "spark" is gone, and you want it to be over. It rarely works, however––usually, the other person senses the distance and attempts to repair whatever is causing the distance by hanging on to you even more tightly.
- Spend some time apart for a while; and definitely give the other person time to cope before they see you with someone else. A minimum of one week is usually a good rule, but varies depending on how involved you were and for how long you dated. If you were together for a year or more, or if the breakup felt particularly intense, avoid "rubbing the other person's nose in" the breakup. This includes taking your new crush to new places rather than going to places you used to frequent with your old crush. Be the bigger person, and allow your ex to keep as much of his or her old life intact as possible––you have moved on, and it has become much easier on you because you're already prepared for the end. By allowing your ex to maintain touchstones to stability, you are taking the high road and allowing your ex to keep some dignity.
- Don't spark an argument or be confrontational if you can help it. If necessary, wait until everyone has calmed down to have the breakup talk.
- Do not wait until after sex to break up with someone. It's hurtful and very selfish. Plus it's low-rent on your part.
- Don't play games or start ignoring the person before you break up with them. If you want it to be over you should break it off sooner than later.
Edit Warnings - Never make the other party feel totally responsible for the breakdown of the relationship. Always name your shortcomings as well to make the decision a just one.
- Avoid giving the hope that it can continue. If you have made the decision to move on, then you must make that absolutely clear. If there is still something salvageable, then don't break up. Instead, focus on how you will work together to salvage the relationship. Breaking up should not be a threat or a way to get someone to change.
- In general: Don't send a note––do it in person! Unless for some reason it is dangerous to do so, don't be a wimp. Suck it up and face your partner while you tell him or her.
- Don't back down if they begin to cry. Remember why you're doing this!
- Don't say, "It's not you, it's me." That's offensive and trite, even if true. Most people are aware that this is code for "I am not telling you the real reason but it is something about you, only I lack the courage to say so."
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