| How to Stop Taking Jokes Seriously Sep 6th 2012, 08:00 Do you habitually catch yourself taking all jokes too seriously? After a while, this inability to lighten up can put pressure on your relationships, especially if people feel you're trying to act superior or you dampen the fun. Whether you're just terrible at getting the punchline, genuinely upset by a joke's content or think that joking is a form of personal attack, learning to understand why you might be overreacting and overlooking the genuine humor is a useful beginning to loosening up a little. - Reflect on why you don't find most jokes funny and might be taking humorous interactions too seriously. In some cases, the joke may well not be funny and could be genuinely offensive or degrading. However, leaving aside intimidatory humor for the moment, if you're finding yourself unable to take any joke lightly but feel it's somehow a personal attack, aimed at you in some way, or is being funny at your expense, then you might be overreacting. The reason for this overreaction or presumption that "all" jokes are wounding can be complex and depends on your personal experiences. Some possible reasons behind this tendency might be:
- You may be going through a rough time at the moment and your sense of humor has taken a hit. Anything said jokingly seems to touch a raw nerve and rather than seeing jokes as attempts to cheer you up or just be genuinely funny, you choose to see the other person as not taking your plight seriously enough.
- You're being reactive rather than responsive, most likely due to a hurtful personal experience where joking has been used as a way to belittle you or be mean to you. Being reactive means acting without thinking or exploring your feelings or options––in this case, with respect to the joke. Most people behave in a reactive fashion when feeling emotionally threatened or assaulted. In the case of jokes, if someone has previously used jokes to hurt you, you might find yourself projecting that belittling experience onto any person who tells a joke around you, as your primed sensitivity causes you to assume joking is a form of attacking.
- You have a hard time working out whether or not someone is joking. This may be due to any number of things, such as the ambiguity of the joke, the attitude of the joke teller, the way you perceive the world, your upbringing, and so forth. Whatever the cause, it can be truly frustrating to be in a situation of not being able to read the seriousness or otherwise of another person's interaction with you.
- Consider the possibility that you're taking yourself too seriously and that your inclination to take people's jokes seriously ends up being a reflection of this. If you're focused on seeing things negatively and feel victimized in some way, jokes may feel threatening to you. Or, you may genuinely feel superior to people who "joke around" and want to prove that you don't stoop to their level. Be careful if this latter reason motivates you, as this self-protective mechanism can easily switch to arrogance and alienation.
- Before assuming that your sense of humor is suffering from blockage somewhere, it's important to acknowledge the possibility that you're experiencing misuse of humor by a particular person or group. Intimidatory humor occurs where the person joking breaches the boundaries of etiquette or respect for human dignity. This can happen where the jokes marginalize a certain group or type in society, as well as when someone tells derogatory or offensive jokes. You may be either openly aware or only vaguely conscious of implied marginalizing in a joke, yet the more you're exposed to it, the more vulnerable or distressed it makes you feel, especially if you don't feel that you're in a position to question the joking or that it is somehow singling you out. In reality, intimidatory humor isn't about humor at all––it's about deliberately hurting a targeted victim. In some cases, having been subjected to intimidatory humor can cause you to be overly sensitized toward any source of humor.
- Discern the motivation of the person telling the joke. Your response to a joke will be dependent on what the other person really means to convey by telling a joke. There are a variety of reasons for telling jokes and many of them are well intentioned. People tell jokes to invoke laughter, to relieve tension, to feel good, to look good, to make fun or light of a stupid or even difficult situation, to poke fun at social norms that are ridiculous, and so forth. And as noted in the previous step, some people tell jokes to demean a person or group, to control someone through belittling, to deflate someone's achievements, and the like; this latter use of jokes is manipulative, controlling and deliberately targeted to induce harm. On balance, most people use jokes in a more positive frame––the negative usage is likely to be limited to particular people in relationships of great power imbalance. Consider your feelings when you hear a joke:
- Do you feel uncomfortable about other aspects of your relationship with the person telling the joke? For example, is he or she intimidating you or trying to control you in any way? Do you feel that this person always "makes fun" of you and tries to pass this off as "joking"?
- Does the person telling the joke often resort to joking as a way of conversing, perhaps because he or she feels uncomfortable or nervous? Is it just something this person does, without meaning to hurt anyone?
- Is the joke genuinely funny? Is it calculated to draw laughter because it's funny, entertaining and really amusing, without being insulting?
- Listen carefully. When presented with a joke, try not to immediately assume that this is an attack upon you or is something to be defensive about. Ascertain the wider context of the joke, the actual content and the method of delivery before adding your layer of interpretation to it. Is the joke part of a wider conversation or is it something said to lighten an occasion? Keep in mind that most people tell jokes for good purposes, not bad, so avoid assuming the worst in every situation.
- Establish a line of communication between the two of you. If a person has told a joke and you're genuinely unable to decide whether or not the joke was aimed at hurting you, it may help to draw attention to your feelings. Let the person know that the joke has hurt your feelings and explain why. Focus on your perspective and leave room for the other person to explain what he or she really meant by the joke. After the explanation, it's likely that most times you'll discover that the person didn't mean any ill-will toward you and may indeed be horrified to discover that this is how you took the joke. Some lessons that can come from an open discussion about the joke include:
- Try to view future jokes from this particular person in their proper context rather than assuming the worst.
- If this person is someone whom you trust, like and get along with, consider that he or she wouldn't deliberately say mean things to you through the vehicle of jokes.
- If there is a particular topic that touched a raw nerve with you when this person joked, state this openly. Ask that in future the particular topic not be made into a joke in your presence because of how it can be misinterpreted or touches on something hurtful.
- Be prepared to compromise. While your feelings matter, avoid using your perspective as a way of shutting the other person out. His or her feelings also require consideration and where no harm was intended, avoid seeking to get moral mileage from the joke. Be clear about your boundaries but also be respectful of the other person's explanation.
- Be responsive rather than reactive. If you have a general impression that jokes are a form of attack that involve criticizing or disapproving of you, then it's time to challenge your expectations. By continuing to overreact to jokes, not only do you risk giving up the opportunity for a good laugh but you might be basing your self-esteem on the approval of others. If you see jokes as a lack of approval in you, you remain vulnerable and easily victimized. It's up to you to re-establish your emotional stability and to base your sense of self-worth on believing in yourself, not on waiting for other's approval. By being responsive rather than overreacting, whether or not a joke is aimed at you, you won't take it personally and you will maintain your sense of self-worth. Instead of allowing self-doubt to consume you, responsiveness lets you see the jokes in perspective and use reason rather than emotion in responding to the joke. To be responsive:
- Realize that most jokes are benign. Realize that even where they are not and even where they are targeted at you personally, that they do not diminish your self-worth. Only you can allow that to happen.
- Acknowledge your defensiveness. Allowing a joke to get to you increases its power and lets the situation drag on well beyond its initial impact. If you feel that the other person is withholding approval by joking about you and you want to try and prove some point by acting offended or superior, then you're being defensive and letting this person's attitude rule you. Even if the joke was vindictive, avoid turning it into an issue of conflict or drama. Instead, notice your defensiveness so that you can shift to neutralizing your response.
- Keep your response measured and composed. Simple statements of fact are best, such as "That wasn't very polite/nice." or "You're entitled to your opinion." Or sometimes, nothing at all is the best response, or simply change the topic of conversation.
- Keep working on improving your self-esteem. Remind yourself of all your good points. You know you're not stupid/flaky/daft or whatever else a joke may have implied or your inner negative voice tries to insist upon. You know that your friend/significant other would not want to be around you if you weren't worth it. Come to terms with your self worth. That is the most important thing, because after you feel confident, jokes will just seem... like jokes.
- Laugh more. Give yourself the freedom to laugh instead of trying to maintain some "proper exterior" or "stiff upper lip". Most jokes are intended to be laughed at. When the joke is harmless, funny and delivered with good intent, indulge yourself in a little laughter. After a few laughs, it's quite probable that you'll see the funnier side of both the jokes––and a lot of other things besides. And even if the person joking wasn't as benign as he or she ought to be, sometimes laughing along with a joke intended to elicit a negative reaction can defuse its power to harm and stop the person from making any more attempts at unkind humor.
- Don't hide the fact that a joke has hurt your feelings. The longer you stay quiet, the more sure your friend will be that you find the jokes just as funny as he or she does.
- Perfectionists can often be caught up in taking jokes too seriously, worried that any possible slight on their efforts reflects imperfections. In this case, learning to accept constructive criticism and to be less perfectionist can help ease the tension around jokes.
- A lack of knowledge or deeper understanding can cause you to take jokes too seriously because you lack all the facts. Make sure that you know all of the facts before assuming the worst about a joke.
- If you're in a family or relationship pattern where jokes have become part of the script, the way of relating to avoid more serious discussion, you might find it hard to know when those around you are being serious or not. This is quite a distinct and complex psychological issue and it's often best if you seek professional help where this is occurring.
Edit Warnings - Always remember to treat others as you would like to be treated. It is never nice or clever to make nasty comments to your friends or other people even if they were nasty to you first. Don't stoop to their level!
- Jokes about race, gender, sexual orientation, disability or religion are usually offensive and should be taken seriously. Never allow any intolerance. Moreover, in some contexts these types of jibes can be actioned through disciplinary procedures in an institutional context or by law in a personal or social context. Do not allow hate speech or intimidation by words to ruin your life.
- Sometimes letting the jokes get under your skin is what the perpetrator wants so he or she will continue is you let his or her comments bother you. Just ignore the joke-teller or tell someone in authority that the joke-telling is making you feel intimidated, and they might stop.
- Taking jokes seriously can be a form of manipulation or arrogance where you are trying to "act the martyr" or "play hurt" in order to get another person to see your point of view or do something your way. Avoid this kind of behavior––it's a really low way to spoil the atmosphere and it stifles innovation, fun and creativity. It is also a way to get others to shut up when you would prefer that your views dominated, which is just plain nasty.
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