| Today is National Coming Out Day. How to Come Out to Your Friends Oct 11th 2012, 08:00 Your social group is important and you're probably worried that your coming out may have a negative impact or cause you to lose all your friends. This guide will give you an overview of how to assess the situation and find ways of coming out or being yourself that won't leave you feeling alienated or without social connections. Your first time coming out is the hardest, and it's worth it to see that it goes okay. - Stop and assess the environment and your situation. Probably the biggest factor in whether you are accepted or not is the environment and/or group of friends you're coming out to. Also make sure that you are safe should your coming out leak to people you don't want it to. The single, most important warning you should heed is to try to delay coming out to those around you if you know your parents will react negatively (such as kicking you out of the house, acting out abusively, etc.) when you are still dependent on them. This option may suck. However, when you head off to college or out on your own, you will finally be able to come out without worrying too much that word will get back to your family.
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If you know that your friends will not take your coming out well, do not come out to them. - You get to college, and while it's an intellectually vibrant research institution in a liberal-minded area, your parents signed you up for "substance-free" housing. You quickly make some friends with the people around you, but over time you realize that all or most of them have extremely strong conservative religious views that they're not uncomfortable evangelizing to others about. It seems the promise of a dorm where no alcohol would be tolerated was very attractive to these types, and they make hateful comments about gay people (not jokes) frequently that make you feel uncomfortable or even in danger. Do not cross your fingers and come out to these people, it's probably not all in your head, just find better friends first and then come out to them.
- Your family changed towns and you're going to a new high school. You join your favorite club and get to know a lot of the people there, and eventually you have a number of friends. One of the group comes out and is ostracized and harassed by the others. Don't come out to these people, they probably aren't good people to be friends with in the first place, just quietly move on and find better people to come out to.
- Once you do make sure you're in a good environment/situation to come out, do so on an individual basis face to face with your friends, but in a way that isn't awkward or threatening or overly emotional. You should be coming out at a place where you're already okay with your own sexuality and able to convey it to them as no big deal. Especially for male friends, it's often important to come out in a way that isn't overly emotional. Also consider telling them in a neutral meeting place or location.
- Don't take their reaction personally. Some people will react negatively to your coming out even if they seemed promising or accepting initially. Don't take this personally, they're probably not great people for you to be around in the first place. If you surrounded yourself with negative anti-gay people, you'd probably end up internalizing a number of negative messages about yourself or be prone to depression. Focus on the positive: the friends who accept you for who you are. Some people even have the experience that their coming out strengthens their friendships because it shows a higher level of trust.
- A word of caution though––it's not a good idea to make large leaps in sharing much more intimate things about yourself. What's important is a level of equal exchange. If your friend doesn't tell you much personal about themselves, they'll probably react very negatively to you saying something personal about yourself.
- Continue being friends with positive supportive people. Also reach out to LGBT organizations or groups if you want to be involved with that.
- Much like finding a job, it's easier to find more friends if you have friends to begin with. This is part of why it's so important to find a group of friends that will accept you before choosing to come out to your friends.
- If you feel uncertain about yourself or down about your sexuality still, you are more likely to take other peoples negative reactions badly. Work at improving your self confidence and self esteem, and get to know other similar-aged LGBT people who feel good about themselves; they can act as role models to help you along. Gay straight alliances or LGBT clubs can be a good place to do this.
- Absolutely do not blame yourself for whether or not someone accepts you for who you are. Whether or not they choose to is their problem, and there isn't a magic phrase you can use to make someone non homophobic. That being said, try to make sure your coming out doesn't seem threatening from their angle.
Edit Warnings - If you're living with homophobic people that you are friends with due to proximity, it's absolutely in your best interest to move. You do not want to be surrounded by hostile negative people in your living quarters (this includes houses you're renting with others, dorms, etc.)
- If your coming out goes badly and/or you're feeling depressed about your situation, it's a good idea to seek help from a supportive therapist. It's not a sign of weakness, and it can be a good idea for people going through a difficult transition period to seek help from a professional.
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