| How to Say Goodbye Dec 5th 2012, 20:00 One of life's greatest challenges revolves around separation––that moment when, for a few seconds, your world seems to end and you just don't know how to cope. Saying goodbye is often made all the more difficult when you see the separation solely from your own perspective. In choosing to see the removal of a person from your life as something to be endured, you can place an unbearable burden on the person leaving to try and console your loss, when only you have the ability to do that. Parting ways with people (and other beings) is part of the natural order of life, teaching you to grow as a human being and helping you to come to terms with life and its foibles. Through a small shift in perspective, you can open up a new way of seeing separation that takes you beyond your own sorrow. Within many a sad goodbye is often the reality of more positive things, such as release, freedom, joy or even new opportunities. And while distance between you and another can feel like a cruel lesson, it can also teach you joy and gratitude. Indeed, learning to come to terms with parting ways healthily is one of the greatest skills you can master. While "parting is such sweet sorrow",[1] discovering how to transform the sorrow of the parting into cherishing the time you have had together is an art worth cultivating. Coming to terms with separation - Explore why we part ways. Sometimes it's merely so that the person can take a short holiday or take a few days away on school or business trips. Sometimes it's the need to go away to school or to move across states or even to a new country for a few years. While some partings are temporary, others are permanent, such as those brought about by death, divorce or emigration. Where it is permanent, it can feel deeply sorrowful and bring about a sense of eternal loss; even temporary loss can bring with it great sorrow at not having a special person around to talk to or share things with, and it can be laced with fears of permanent loss. And the manner in which we separate can give you greater cause to feel negative, for example, if you parted in anger, regret or on unhappy terms. Ideally parting should occur on good terms but this is not always the case.
- Acknowledge how the reason for parting and the manner in which you parted impact your sense of loss and regret. Often fear can arise when parting from another, as you don't always know or become aware of the full realities involved. Questions of uncertainty may beset you, such as: Does this person intend to return?; Is there an afterlife where you will see this person again?; Are the angry words you parted with the last thing you'll ever get to say to this person? Once you have understood the nature of the event, you will be better placed to move on and find closure.
- Consider how your future can be influenced by the manner in which you said goodbye. It's often said that the parting moment is remembered well beyond the times you have spent with the person now gone. Parting on good terms and leaving one another with expressions of good wishes can make all the difference to your well being down the track. Even if you feel deep sorrow, a sense of anger or mounting frustration about the impending departure, it pays to reflect in advance on how to make the best of the separation, for the very sake of your future sense of inner peace.
- Realize that parting is not always about sorrow and unhappiness. Think of times when saying goodbye fills us with joy, such as saying goodbye to the winter as we look toward the joy of spring. It is not set in stone how we should feel, not even if there are family or societal traditions that you feel obliged to emulate, so you can make the parting moment as good as it can be. It may help to rustle up your sense of humor in the face of the bleakness of goodbye. For others, it might be the time to draw together a scrapbook of good time memories or to find the old photo album. And for those who are carrying the burden of anger or revenge, it is a time to find deep forgiveness for something you have long held against this person.
- Plan ways you can keep in regular contact if possible. In a world of remarkable interconnectedness, where phones, the Internet (email, Facebook, Twitter, etc.) and snail mail keep us just one click or read away, we have no excuses to stay strangers anymore. There are very few ways that contact cannot be made. And if the person "disappears" but is still showing up on the radar now and then without contacting you, avoid blaming yourself for this. Sometimes people need a lot of space to resolve their internal issues without the past holding them back––let them be and they will come back, some day.
- Plan memorials for people who are lost to your permanently, through death or disappearance without trace. In some cases, you may not have had a chance to say goodbye, while in others, your goodbye (in this life) was final. Permanent loss brings deep sorrow for most people. Yet even in permanent loss, there must be space for acknowledging the good things, such as the benefits this person brought to the world and the good that they did. It may also be a time for relief––a notion some struggle with but for the gravely ill person in pain, death is a release from suffering. While grief is a very personal thing that no person or body of laws can hurry along or proscribe, there are ways to honor the person you've lost permanently, to ease your sorrow:
- Make a card and put it on the gravestone. This is a comforting and very personal way to say goodbye. It may be read by others, it may not be––but perhaps if it is read, it may also bring them comfort too.
- Send the departed––and yourself––good wishes. Remembering does not always have to be an unpleasant experience and not always a futile one. Much can be learned when we reflect on the changing nature of life.
- Remember this person by treating your own life as precious, choosing not to waste it. This includes refraining from harming yourself.
- Perform more positive actions for others, such as giving more of your time to those in need.
- Socially speaking, this is not always something you have to do alone. Much benefit can be gained by collaborating with friends, family and other caring people. If it's a friend, spend time with their family if appropriate and consider ways to help them feel better.
Saying goodbye to a co-worker -
Change is frequent in the work world; it can be as a result of a promotion, transfer or a sea change to a new career. It may be unexpected redundancy. A well balanced send-off is the essence of a good ending. - Be open and friendly. It's important to let a departing co-worker know where you stand. If you want to keep in contact, let them know they are free to email, consult or simply catch up. You never know when an old work colleague may have some advice to share, or where you could assist them.
- Asking for an e-mail address or phone number can be comforting, so that you can still talk with them.
- Be honest with both yourself and your co-worker. If you have no intentions of staying in touch, don't ask for contact details. It can leave a departing co-worker wondering about your sincerity, especially in the case of retirement, being made redundant or going off to raise children where ties with work tend to get severed.
- Spend some personal, one-to-one time with your departing co-worker. Invite them out to dinner or a movie, and savor the time left with them. While there may be an office send-off, this will never take the place of personalized goodbye events.
- On the day your co-worker leaves, give them a hug and a "Goodbye for now" because you always have the chance of seeing them again!
Saying goodbye to friends Our friends tend to hold some of our most special relationships, they are the ones with whom we share our thoughts and feelings and enjoy similar interests together. Our friends make life more pleasant, but these times pass and circumstances may separate us. -
Leaving friends is not always forever, although it can sometimes seem that way. - Determine how long you're going. Whether you're going for a few days, weeks, or picking up and moving, saying goodbye is a hard thing to do, especially if you're saying it to a friend. Once you've determined how long you'll be gone, plan an appropriate time to talk together one last time before the departure. Choose an enjoyable occasion––maybe over dinner, strolling down by your favorite waterfront or spending time together doing something both of you have always enjoyed. Remember that this is about making beautiful last memories for both of you to hold onto.
- Make your goodbye personal. Stay with your friend for as long as you can. Before you leave, and when you leave, give them a hug, and say "It's not goodbye, it's just... farewell until we meet again". You'll hopefully see each other again someday.
Saying goodbye to a family member Saying goodbye to someone who's been with you all of your life, raised you, or has been kind to you, takes its toll. We tend to have a different relationship with our family than we do with other people in our lives, for they have not only known us our whole lives, but are often the people around whom we can truly be ourselves. -
The first step on life's great adventure is not an easy one, but the last glimpse can be a happy one. - If you're feeling angry, or if it's just how you get over things, express yourself constructively. It'll help get your anger out and the bad stuff inside of you can get out.
- Spend as much time as you can with your family member. If it's a set date at when they're leaving, invite them to do fun stuff with you, look at a photo memory book, or just be together. They won't mind if you cry a bit––if anything, they'll know you'll miss them. It may also give them an opportunity to release their own emotions, knowing it's safe to do so around you.
- If they do Skype, arrange it so that you can chat with them when they're away. If they don't Skype, set up an account and show them how to use it.
- Finally, give them a hug, and see them off to wherever they're going. They'll always be in your memory, and keep the thought that they'll probably be back. Time goes faster than you expect.
Saying goodbye to a dying person -
Can we love a person enough that we can let them go? This is the classic question of all time. - Recognise and relinquish feelings of inadequacy. Often, people feel they they have failed when they cannot save or keep those they love. Sometimes they may feel rage or despair that no matter what they have tried, it made no difference and that life once again, has taken things away.
- Say a silent goodbye when it's time. As sad as it is, many people don't get to even say goodbye to a loved one before they pass. Where it is possible, be with the departing person, comfort them and give your last regards and best wishes.
- One of the kindest gifts the living can give to the dying is the blessing to take the next journey. Be reassuring and tell them it's okay and simply be there for them.
Dealing with post separation issues - Recognise the emotions associated with saying goodbye as they arise. Take advantage of them by observing them to understand them. It does not take long to recognise that feelings continue to arise, showing us that we have not truly come to terms with them yet.
- Be kind to yourself and others. Expressing your feelings is an important release mechanism, but one that can too easily go out of control. Express yourself creatively and constructively––engage in art or other projects, learn new skills or talk about something the person you've said goodbye to with a trusted person.
- Learn meditation. Meditation and its various applications such as mindfulness, compassion, kindness, gratitude, equanimity and even mindfulness of death can all be used for individuals to come to terms with their feelings.
- Unless you are already experienced at meditation, it is recommended that you practice and seek training with another experienced person first. Even seeking a teacher can be a source of constructive moving on.
- Communicate regularly. If it is someone who is still alive, give them a call or email. If it is a person who has passed on, or for people who parted ways and do not wish to communicate, communicate with others so that you can understand that you do not have to be alone. By remaining in touch with other people, you remain connected to the world.
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