I never expected to be a stay-at-home-mom. In fact, I never really expected to be a mom at all, but poor use of contraceptives and/or bad math skills changed those plans (in a good way, of course).
Before my son was born last December, I discussed maternity leave with the higher-ups at my job, and I was only planning on using six of the twelve weeks to stay at home with my son. Six weeks quickly turned into eight weeks, and after that I realized I wasn't going back. Aside from my more or less full-time summer gig, I've spent nearly all day, every day with my little man. But I feel that those days will have to come to an end soon for a few reasons:
Finances: My savings from this summer are almost depleted, and my boyfriend is starting to get stressed out about our bills. I am too, but I have a feeling that won't end until I'm done paying student loans when I still don't have a degree to show for it.
My son's development: He seems to be right on track physically, but I'm worried that he's becoming too attached to me emotionally. He'll cry seemingly for no reason when his dad is holding him and won't stop until I take him, at which point he'll stop crying and look at his dad with a huge grin. This actually usually makes me feel good about myself, but I'm afraid this phase won't end until we get a little separation between us.
My health: I never knew how exhausting one little baby could be. I knew the first few months would be hectic with feedings every few hours and him not being able to do anything for himself, but I didn't realize that the sleep deprivation and constant fatigue would last an entire year. I feel that, at this point, getting out of the house, even to go to work, would be a bit of a break for me.
And so I've begun the search for a "real" job. Part-time or full-time, I'm not sure yet. I also don't know what I actually want to do or what I would consider worth the time spent away from my son, mentally almost importantly as financially. I just can't stand the thought of leaving my son with someone else while I'm working at a job I don't enjoy. My expectations may be too high, and that might be because I'm afraid to let go. I'm not sure yet, but I guess I'll find out in the coming weeks and months. Until then, my little guy is helping me weed out the bad ads.
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