| How to Overcome the Guilt of Gossiping About Someone Who Trusts You May 11th 2012, 16:00 During a water cooler conversation with friends or colleagues it came out––information one of your trusted confidants shared with you and now you've divulged his/her secrets. During the height of the conversation, you were caught up in the moment of sharing and gushing, but now you've had the time to think about what you've done and guilt has oozed into your brain. Of course, you wish you could rewind time and interact in the conversation differently, but since you can't, how do you get past the guilt of gossiping about a friend or colleague who trusts you? - Consider why you were gossiping about your friend or colleague. What brought you to gush about your friend's secret or life to others? If this is the first time you've spilled information about a friend or colleague who trusts you, examine if something recently happened that may have prompted the sudden gush of information. However, if you can track a pattern, your reasons may run a little deeper. For example:
- Insecurity and belief that the information will impress others. In cases of insecurity, people who diminish their own value may believe that if they have a nugget of valuable or juicy information, they will be deemed interesting or intriguing to others. Unfortunately, gossips are actually likely considered to be untrustworthy and often annoying, even though people will lap up their news.
- Speaking before you think. Do you have a habit of saying something and then thinking, "Did I say that out loud?" Having no mental filter in place, or speaking before you think, may result in your divulging information about others, whether you intend to or not.
- You thought that you were sharing the information as an example to others without thinking through the consequences of using this person as an example. Suppose you were in a group of mothers discussing teen drinking and wondering about who is doing it (and who isn't). You know that your friend's daughter has been imbibing, so you say, "I don't know about other kids, but I do know that Gretchen's daughter has been drinking beer at parties." While at the time you thought you were just participating in idea exchange and using Gretchen's daughter as an example, it really ends up being gossip. And it soon spreads, especially if nobody was aware of it before or if you've broken the unspoken taboo of not discussing it out loud even if everyone knew anyway.
- Harboring passive aggressive feelings surrounding an old incident with your friend/sibling, etc. Did you have a misunderstanding or a fight with a friend or other important person in the past and never really moved on? You may not overtly realize it, but you may be still angry or annoyed with your friend and can be using gossip as a way to "get back" at him/her.
- Own your duplicity. Understand that you are guilty of gossiping about someone who trusted you to keep a confidence. You can't take it back, so instead face and own it.
- Understand that you have completely betrayed your friend's trust. Don't try to make excuses for your behavior or seek to rationalize what you did. The best way to learn from mistakes is to own up to them and then do what you can to learn from them.
- Know that the gossip may have jeopardized the relationship. Realize that when, or if, your friend, sibling or colleague discovers that you've been blabbing about his or her business, you may lose the relationship.
- Consider how you would have felt if the situation were reversed. No one wants to be talked about behind their back, so explore how you'd feel if your friend/colleague did the same to you.
- Confront your behavior. In order to avoid doing this again in the future, you need to deal with why you gossiped and do something about it. Pledge to move on and not repeat this trust-breaking behavior.
- Practice using an active mental filter when having discussions with friends. If you're one to blurt out information and then find yourself regretting what you've said, you'll need to exercise your mental filtering capabilities. Know that you have this problem and take steps to stop yourself from telling people everything. Before contributing to a discussion, take a quick second to think about what you're going to say before adding your two cents worth.
- If necessary, consult with a professional about how to stop over talking or being careless about what you say to others. Address problems with low self-esteem. Try to find the root of your self-esteem problem––did something happen in your childhood or adulthood that caused you to find solace in gossip? In some cases, consulting with a professional may be necessary in order to not only identify the root cause but also take the steps to recover your sense of self.
- Work on your friendship if you're still having trouble with an incident from the past. If you believe that an old problem may have fueled the gossip fire, consider meeting with your friend to talk about what is going on. He or she most likely has no idea you're harboring some injured feelings and talking about it could help.
- Consider telling your friend or other person if he or she doesn't already know. It's better that the one you've gossiped about is apprised of the rumor mill firsthand than left pondering. This won't be easy though. One of the most difficult aspects of confronting your guilt is whether to come clean or not. On one hand, you could just continue with your relationship and disregard that you gossiped about your friend or colleague. On the other hand, guilt may be eating away at you and getting it out in the open may be the only way to resolve your feelings. It might also be the only way of heading off the truth reaching this person's ears anyway and they may be prepared to be more forgiving if you were honest than if you tried to remain evasive about the source of the gossip.
- Be straight and honest. Don't lie or sugarcoat what was said. While there is no reason to be harsh or abrupt, gently reveal what you did in a caring manner.
- Take full responsibility, even if you were inadvertently trying to "lash out" after a previous fight or incident. Don't make excuses or give some of the blame to someone else for your indiscretion––it's yours and you should take full responsibility.
- Explain that you understand your gossip has compromised the relationship. Let your friend/colleague know that you understand there are consequences to your actions and that you will give him or her space to digest and consider what he or she wants to do about your relationship.
- Tell your friend what you've done to correct your behavior. Let your friend know that in addition to your contrition, you've taken action to correct what you've done. Let him/her know how you will avoid gossiping again in the future and the specific steps you've taken.
- Allow your friend to respond. Get ready to take any heat coming your way. Allow your friend to unload. Don't fight or lash back out, but instead allow him or her to react in their own way. If they're so angry or upset that they shut you out, give them space and time but try to come back later.
- Adjust your gossiping ways. Learn your lesson and reclaim your dignity by choosing to stop gossiping from this point onward. Whenever you feel the urge to compromise this stance, or to go along with other gossipers, remind yourself to stop. If gossipers are tempting you too much, excuse yourself for a while, or change the subject.
- Remind yourself that, like everyone in life, you're learning life lessons and that as long as you have learned from the incident, you should be able to forgive yourself.
- If you find yourself in a really difficult gossip situation where those around you are going for broke with the innuendos and gossiping, assert yourself by saying something as simple as: "I don't feel comfortable talking about X behind his back. Can we please discuss something else?" People may appear offended or put out, but really, underneath it all, they're realizing that they have gone too far too and you've just acted as the only moral barometer in the room.
- Right your wrong if the gossip has publicly damaged the relationship you have with someone. Come out by refuting the information or affirm your support of your friend or other person. Offer to do so publicly if needed.
- Get professional help if you've tried to get past your guilt but cannot, especially if the guilt is influencing your life in an all consuming negative way.
Edit Warnings - Your indiscretion may have marred the relationship forever, so understand that you may have to walk away from the friendship. Learn from what has happened to prevent it from happening again.
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