| How to Deal With Parents Who Hoard Nov 26th 2012, 08:00 Hoarding is a disorder in which a person keeps thousands of things that they don't need or use. Hoarding becomes harmful when it prevents a hoarder from living a normal life, including living in a clean and tidy house and being able to socialize with others. Hoarding also impacts other household members and if you have parents who hoard, you will likely be affected by the inability to find space, ask friends over or even get to spend time with your parents. Coping with parents who hoard involves both understanding and a willingness to carve out your own space assertively. Here are some suggestions to help you deal with an emotionally and physically debilitating issue. - Understand why people hoard. There are complex reasons behind hoarding. In the case of parents, some of the reasons might include:
- A parent who has lost a lot in life may feel compelled to hang onto things out of fear of future loss––the loss may have been a job, family members or family structure, houses, items, etc.
- A parent who is suffering from depression, anxiety or a mental illness may derive comfort from hanging onto things; initially the items hoarded may carry some meaning that gets lost over time but the hoarding instinct remains.
- Sometimes a parent may be trying to create a sense of stability during difficult times, such as when moving around a lot or job hopping, and stuff makes up the gap in between the uncertainty of life in general and the certainty of things.
- In some cases, a parent may be trying to hang onto everything in the vain hope that all these things will be useful for you some day––in this case, the challenge of hoarding may be coupled with the many dreams the parent holds for you, none of which really equate to who you are or what you wish to do in life.
- Hoarding can creep up unawares on parents who feel unable to let go of all the mementos that have filled their parenting years, due to the emotional pain of letting go of their child's paintings, art projects, report cards, written work, books, toys, clothes, etc.
- Finally, but very importantly, hoarding can be associated with grief, as the hoarder wants to "hold on" to a deceased person by keeping objects that the loved one gave to them. In some cases this can be the equivalent of an entire extra household's worth of goods!
- Acknowledge how the hoarding makes you feel. It is reasonable to feel annoyed, frustrated or overwhelmed by clutter in your life, especially where you have no control over its growth. At the same time, while your feelings are important, they must be balanced with compassion. Your parents aren't doing this to hurt you––they may very well not even grasp how much their hoarding impacts you. By understanding that hoarding is a compulsive disorder, you can see that it isn't directed at you personally. For your own sake, remind yourself that dealing with this is about finding ways to cope rather than taking it out on yourself.
- Be alert to the ways the hoarding impacts you, such as isolating you from friends, causing shame and preventing you from having privacy. Your feelings are legitimate and deserving of attention too; take care not to submerge your needs in caring for your needy parents.
- Don't get mad if your parents hoard––anger won't solve anything.
- You cannot "make" someone change; but you can strongly suggest that they change. This is your strength, in recognizing what is happening and being prepared to help do something about it.
- Try to understand your parents' point of view. Remember, you're not trying to attack them, you are rather trying to re-channel their actions into more positive ones that will help both them and the family as a whole. Instead of being a antagonist, see their side of the story first. You might try some of the following:
- Ask them about their feelings toward the objects they're hoarding and what the objects represent. This can help you to form ideas about ways to display or rearrange things in a way that minimizes them (and their impact) while still honoring the essence of the objects.
- Gently find out how they feel about life generally. Have you noticed if your parents seem sad, down, grieving, lost or any other feelings that might cause them to remain stuck in the past or overwhelmed about something? In some cases, getting them away from the home environment for a trip or for events might prove beneficial if your parents spend most of their time housebound.
- Identify the signs of hoarding. Do your parents constantly make shopping trips for items they don't need and, in many cases, don't even unwrap? Do you find a bunch of older objects that they don't need stacked in the house? Do Mom and Dad refuse to give these items up?
- Talk to your parents about how you feel. While it's important to acknowledge their feelings, it's also important to express your own feelings. You might not be sure how these will be received––that depends on how well your parents listen and are prepared to face what is happening. In some cases, they may not really get how this is affecting you, or they may be tempted to diminish the impact on you. Try not to take this personally––your parents have a compulsive disorder that isn't directed at you but is a symptom of their own broader malaise. At the very least, air your feelings to help you make sense of how the hoarding impacts you. Using "I feel sad when you hoard" is appropriate. If they are invested in you, they will at least value your feelings.
- Tell them the dangers. As part of your discussion with your parents, it may help to explore some basic facts that go beyond feelings, such as:
- The risk of injury from clutter. The more clutter in the home, the more danger that can result when items fall down, when people trip over them, etc. This is especially of concern for the less nimble, elderly parent, who may be trapped by items that fall onto them. However, it can impact people of any age, such as keeping things on the staircase making it hard to go up and down the stairs, which could potentially cause someone to fall and be injured.
- Fire danger increases with clutter. Flammable materials such as newspapers, magazines, paper stacks, etc. can present a fire hazard when accumulated. The danger intensifies if the materials block access or they're stacked near sources of heat, such as furnaces, stoves and heaters. And blocking the air flow of appliances with stacks of clutter can cause them to overheat and spark a fire.
- Inability to clean the house properly increases allergies and health problems. A build-up of pollen, bacteria and dust that cannot be cleared away due to clutter presents real health problems that can even result in health code violations if the clutter becomes too unsanitary.
- The house can begin to go into disrepair if people aren't allowed to come in and repair for shame of the state of the house. Ultimately this can lead to the house losing value and becoming less safe to live in.
- Make constructive suggestions to change things––with your help. While you can't change your parents, you can offer to alleviate some of the burden surrounding them. For example, you might offer to clean up certain parts of the house, donating items to charity so that they don't feel compelled to keep them. Or, suggest that they take digital images of all those childhood mementos but let go of the physical objects. Realize that while it may feel simple to offer help and to pitch in and do the hard lifting, this will remain an emotional issue for your parents and you may meet a lot of resistance or fobbing off. Take it gradually and offer to do things here and there, rather than aiming to fix it all in one fell swoop.
- Show your parents how to digitalize their paper piles. They can take photos or scans of bills, magazine articles, pamphlets, children's artwork, souvenir cards, etc. and keep the memories forever without keeping the piles. If they're worried about losing the digital information, make back-ups for them, both using cloud computing and external hard drives. The less excuse they have for hanging onto these items, the better!
- Digitalizing isn't just for paper––music, videos and photos can go this way too. You may meet cries of indignation about digital files lacking the quality of the old vinyl but with a little perseverance and persuasion, you might be able to get at least some of the collection reduced to digital forms so that there is room to move again! If you don't have the time to help, there are plenty of services available to transfer hard copy music and images to digital formats.
- Help your parents establish systems that get those invoice piles off the dinner table and into paid files instead. In many cases, invoices can now be sent electronically, so that there is no longer any need for paper clutter––ask them if they'd like you to set up an electronic system for them, including direct debiting where relevant.
- Tell your parents stories about people who really need the clothes, shoes and other items they're clinging to but do not need. Tell them about the neighbor's children with bare feet, or the school without pens, or the friend who has just taken up baking and is looking for cake pans. Tell them about Freecycle, a way to match their accumulated stuff with people who will really do something useful with it (but beware they don't start chasing after other people's junk and bringing it back home!). Offer to drop off excess items to people in need.
- Provide storage space for objects that your parents don't seem to be able to part with. Find magazine racks, cupboard space, plastic bins, etc., to at least make things tidier and easier to move. Suggest that they place a monthly paper clear out on the calendar, for recycling newspapers and magazines. You could even schedule recycle day as a monthly dinner party event!
- Encourage borrowing of magazines over purchasing. Your parents get to read, not keep, the magazines. Set alarms on their electronic calendar for the return date or keep an eye on it yourself and remind them. If this doesn't work, subscribe to digital issues for them. A cluttered computer is better than a cluttered home.
- Reduce isolation. In some cases, isolation may be the cause of hoarding. Find ways for your parent to interact with other people if he or she is living alone. Are there social groups in the area? Can you hire someone to call on your parent regularly? How often can you stop by or call and have a chat? Set up a Skype account for your parent and try to check in regularly, encouraging as many family members as possible to do the same.
- Tell your parents which spaces are beyond cluttering. If you live with your parents, your own space needs to remain uncluttered. Tell your parents that they cannot use your room, your study space, food preparation areas or your relaxation space for their clutter. If they seek to place items in any forbidden zones, assert your preference and gently but firmly remove the items to their own space. Repeating this will help them to realize that you mean what you say, as well as reinforcing the fact that you need areas that are not cluttered.
- Obviously, this involves an issue of power imbalance. If your parents are caring and are willing to listen, your boundary delineation should be accepted, perhaps with resignation, but at least respected. On the other hand, if your parents become abusive with you for asserting your right to a clean space, you will need to tread carefully and seek external help immediately. Remember that no matter what pain or difficulty your parents may be experiencing, you do not deserve to be subjected to harm or abuse.
- Get out more often. If you live with your parents, spend less time at the cluttered home. This is important to give you a sense of space and freedom, letting you think freely without being confronted by the clutter. Places to visit include libraries, friends' houses, coffee shops, parks, public galleries and museums, study rooms, etc. Go for long walks and perhaps take the occasional overnight hike or sleepover. This part is about ensuring that you don't stay feeling overwhelmed by all the clutter, allowing you to develop your own sense of place.
- Encourage that your parents find counseling. If you can, suggest ways for your parents can seek help. Make it clear to Mom and Dad that their hoarding won't get any better if they don't obtain proper counseling. Offer to accompany them to the counselor if they're reticent or drive them there if they're not able to get there under their own steam.
- The more that a person clings to objects and refuses to let go of them, the less likely this person will be willing to seek help voluntarily. It helps to understand this because it will possibly be an uphill battle to convince a hoarder to seek help. Even if you do manage to get the hoarder to counseling, there is no guarantee of repeat visits or of changed behavior. Some of this will depend on how vigilant you're prepared to be and how much effort you're prepared to put in both emotionally and physically to help the behavioral change.
- Expect the unexpected. Understand that it will take a long time (probably even forever) for your parents to cure. Never expect change to happen overnight. Don't think instant miracles will happen; because they won't. The effort usually needs to be a team one (not just family members but also involving outsiders and possibly professionals) and it needs to be ongoing. Just do your part: encourage help, and be patient.
- Use positive feedback to acknowledge all the changes your parents do make. Exclaim how wonderful it is to be able to walk in a certain space again, or how much cleaner the house feels, etc. By acknowledging the good in having less clutter around, you reward the steps that they have taken to make a difference.
- If you're a minor, talk to your school therapist on how you feel when your parents hoard. Don't bottle up your feelings.
- You may feel older than your parents, in that you are able to recognize the problem and see its solution. In some ways it is a little like parenting your parents. However, while this may turn your world upside down somewhat, realize that you still have a need to be cared for and appreciated too. If your parents are not able to do this for you, surround yourself with friends and others who can; you deserve to grow up normally.
- Parents suffering from dementia may be prone to hoarding. In this case, you need professional help along with your own dollops of patience and forbearance.
- In some cases medication may be required if the hoarding is linked to a specific mental or physical health disorder. Only your parent's doctor can ascertain whether illness or disorder is involved, so a trip to the doctor is warranted if you suspect anything like this.
- There is a fine line between a collector and a hoarder––often not one noticed by the hoarder. Be watchful of a parent who collects things "to cope" with anxiety or difficult situations and starts to let the situation grow out of hand. If you are able to nip the collecting craze in the bud early, you might just be able to alert your parent to the difference between collecting with care and hoarding with abandon. Of course, be sympathetic and caring in your approach, at all times.
- You will certainly have your own opinion about the value of things in your life and you may even own very little as a result––realize that this is a good thing in a world increasingly swamped by the ownership of too many possessions!
Edit Warnings - Animal hoarding is a very special case and you will need professional help to ensure that the welfare of the animals, as well as the welfare of all household members, is attended to immediately. Many animals kept in poor, crowded, messy conditions and irregularly groomed/wormed/fed, etc., are not only being badly cared for (potentially a case of animal abuse) but they can also pose major health risks to family members.
- In dire hoarding situations, the city or municipality may be forced to take action to clean up insanitary conditions.
- Sometimes a hoarder is also a thief; the items accumulating are things that have been stolen and offer the hoarder no further pleasure after the thrill of the theft. If you discover that this is happening, seek counseling assistance for your parent immediately, as your parent risks prosecution if caught.
Edit Related wikiHows Edit Sources and Citations - Randy O. Frost, Gail Steketee, Lauren Williams, Hoarding: A Community Health Problem, Health and Social Care in the Community 8(4), 229–234, (2000) – research source
- Anne Gilbert, Buried in treasures: help for compulsive acquiring, saving and hoarding, Therapy Today, 17487846, Vol. 18, Issue 9, (2007) – research source
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