| How to Break Up Feb 21st 2013, 22:00 When a romantic relationship ends, it's not easy for anyone. And if you're the one initiating the break up, it can be one of the hardest things you'll ever do. But sometimes it has to be done, otherwise an unhealthy, unhappy relationship will drag on for years and years. Here's how to be strong and end it now. Steps Evaluating Your Relationship - Reflect on why you're considering breaking up with this person. If you're simply upset with your partner, consider talking about what has upset you so much first. It's important to focus on resolving it, rather than ending the relationship as the first solution. However, if this same issue has already been discussed, yet nothing changes and you keep feeling unsatisfied, hurt, or betrayed, then breaking up might be the only way to end the pattern.
- Be sure about what you're doing.
- Whatever the issues are that are motivating you to break up, have you discussed them with the person already a few times?
- Are you sure you're not breaking up over a misunderstanding, miscommunication, or something else that could be resolved with discussion? By being sure, you'll have no regrets.
- Most times, be aware that the other person will sense any unsureness. This may make the breaking-up process harder, more drama-filled, and prolonged.
- Be prepared to back up your reasons. Your partner will ask you why you want out. It pays to be prepared:
- Be prepared with sincere answers. Before having "the talk" that ends the relationship, do your best to articulate the reasons you're breaking up.
- If you have trouble remembering examples during emotional discussions or arguments, write your reasons down in advance. It may help to talk this over with someone you trust, or with a counselor.
- Focus on what isn't working for you in the relationship, rather than telling the other person what is wrong with them. They will be hurting and vulnerable and you can do a lot of damage to them by saying things that attack them personally.
- For instance, instead of saying "You're clingy and insecure," try saying "I need a lot of independence and freedom in my relationships." If you try to tell them what they are, you may be wrong, since you're not inside their head. And even if you're right, they may disagree with you. But they can't disagree with what you feel for yourself or what you say your needs are.
- Realize that your point of view may be skewed. Maybe they seem insecure to you, but that doesn't mean they are. Or maybe they only were with you. Or maybe the fault is your own. Maybe you are more distant or detached than most people. Don't put the blame on them while they're hurting. Either take it upon yourself, or just focus on what isn't matching up in the relationship.
- Instead of saying "You are insecure" or even "I am detached," just focus on "I need more independence than I've had in our relationship." Which is true regardless of who is "at fault," or "screwed up," or even if it's no one's "fault."
Putting Limits on the Breakup Talk - Plan out how long you're willing to spend on the breakup process itself. This may sound a little callous but there is a reality that the process can be either short and sweet or protracted and painful––and what you do determines which it turns out to be. And one of the things you can do is decide in advance that you will only spend a certain amount of time discussing the relationship's finality, before bringing it to a close. If you haven't already focused on this aspect, the actual conversation in which you break up with this person can last a lot longer than it should, especially if your partner is devastated or completely surprised by your decision and tries to keep you talking, hoping to "change your mind". It'll be much easier for you to stick to your guns if the conversation doesn't drag out, by having pre-determined times for the discussion, bounded by "another appointment" to get to.
- Expect to spend at least 1 hour breaking up, and longer if the relationship lasted a year or more. You may even want to arrange an appointment with a friend in a neutral location so that you can say "I'm supposed to meet John/Jane/James at the restaurant in fifteen minutes, so I have to go now." Family obligations are another good out for you to use.
Breaking Up - Break up in person. It's easier to break up with someone if you don't have to look the person in the eye, but breaking up by phone, text or email can also be interpreted as cruel and cowardly. Unless you're a long distance away and choose not to wait until you see the person again, or you're afraid of the other person, don't break up by phone, email, or through an instant messenger system. And don't even think about breaking up with someone by pulling a disappearing act, even if it's just by suddenly eliminating contact with the person. The lack of closure can be psychologically damaging and leaves uncertainty as to whether or not you really mean it.
- Living separately: If you don't live together, break the news at his or her home and in private. Your soon-to-be-ex will appreciate being able to feel safe enough to respond emotionally. And no one wants to be broken up with in public or near family and friends, and risk bursting into tears, or be forced to bottle up all those emotions. While you can break up with them at your place, making someone go home after getting news like that will be difficult, and could make them feel bitter. If you're at your partner's home, you can leave after you feel you've made your decision clear.
- Living together: If you live together, breaking up will be particularly problematic and stressful. Make sure to have a place where you can stay until the person you've broken up with digests the big change. You can either move all of your stuff while they're not home and then break up when they come home, or break up and leave with some of your things, with the intention to come back when things have calmed down. Either way will be very difficult for the other person, but only you know what's best for your situation.
- Break up calmly. If you say the dreaded words "We need to talk," your partner will immediately know what's going on, and that's not a bad thing. You don't want to blurt out "We need to break up" out of the blue, or worse, when you're in an argument. Approach the break up calmly and peacefully, with a sense of resolution. Sit down with your partner and let him or her know that you've decided to end the relationship.
- Don't leave false hope. Plan to avoid using any phrases that leave a whiff of hope. Don't say things like "maybe we can meet up again next year" or "maybe we can try again some time when my head's back to normal", etc. These are cowardly ways to wriggle out of something you need to be very straightforward about. Either you mean it about breaking up, or you don't. You can't leave the door open.
- Expect any or all of the following reactions:
- Questioning – He or she will want to know why, and whether there was anything he or she could have done to prevent the breakup. Answer the questions as honestly as possible.
- Crying – The other person will likely be upset, and it will show. You can comfort him or her, but don't allow yourself to be manipulated into changing your decision.
- Arguing – He or she may dispute anything you've said during the break up, including dissecting examples you used in your reasons for breaking up. Don't get dragged into a fight, and don't split hairs. Let your partner know that arguing isn't going to change your decision.
- Bargaining or begging – He or she may offer to change, or to do things differently in order to preserve the relationship. If the person didn't change when you've discussed your problems in the past, it's too late to expect him or her to truly change now.
- Lashing out – Whether it's as simple as saying "You'll never find anyone as good as me" or as scary as saying "I'll make you regret this," he or she is usually just trying to make himself or herself feel better. Threats of physical harm, however, are serious and should not be ignored. If you feel that your safety is at risk, stay calm and leave quickly.
After the Break Up - Distance yourself. It will be difficult, but don't call them and don't go to places you know they frequent. Most of all, make yourself scarce. Your ex may try to get in touch, but wait a while (usually a number of months, such as 6 months at a minimum) before resuming contact, if at all. You felt close to this person at one point in your life, and you will probably always have a soft spot for him or her, but it's time for both of you to move on.
- Now is the perfect time to focus on those missed opportunities. Take the time to reflect on your situation and learn more about yourself. Do all the things you've always wanted to do and especially those things that you wouldn't have done if you were still with this person.
- Realize that breaking up is just a normal part of life. Yes, breaking up is difficult, but like it or not, this is a normal part of adolescent and adult life, and as much as it's painful, it's also very normal. Sometimes you'll be the "dumper," sometimes you might be the "dumpee." We all experience heartbreak; it hurts, but we all survive it, and you (and your ex) will too.
Break-Up Help
Video Tips - If you're sure you want to break up with somebody, it's best done sooner rather than later. However, if your partner has had a particularly bad day already, you may want to consider waiting for a better moment. Breaking up with them when they're already down will make the breakup much harder for both of you.
- While honesty is the best policy, focus on the fundamental issues destroying the relationship and don't nitpick on the little annoyances that drive you mad. Those annoyances are usually symptoms of the underlying problems – we're far more likely to get annoyed, irritable, and frustrated when we know the relationship isn't working out.
Warnings - Never break up in the heat of the moment. If the relationship is already broken beyond repair, that won't change once the argument is over and the anger has passed. Break up when you're both calm and can talk it over peacefully. That's when you have the best chance of closure.
- Never threaten that you will break up with your partner. If you have problems or concerns, work through them or break up. Threats will only make a relationship worse and their impact tends to diminish with repeated use.
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